I've been praying about ways to connect with my daughter. For a while, she was kind of left on her own. I was trying to do some preliminary homeschooling with her older brother and had her new baby younger brother to care for. She, being just 2 and not really one I could do a lot with, just was kept occupied on her own or sent for long naps. She also wasn't really cuddly and wouldn't sit still for anything. But it broke my heart that she was like this untamed wild child. All I could do was keep her out of mischief, look forward to her naps, and endure the wretched screaming and tantrums. It was HARD! I'd be trying to breast feed my new baby and she'd be screaming and flailing about, often hurting herself in the process, over some little perceived infraction.
On top of that, her defiance grew. If I asked her to come to me, please, she would (and still does, but is better about it) stick her little nose in the air, say an affirmative "no," and run the other way. Again, often caring for a new baby left me helpless as she disobeyed and I was stuck on the chair or bed with a happily nursing infant.
There's a verse in the Bible about a child being left alone grieves his mother and it's true. I was grieved by my daughter's behavior. Out of control, self-serving, disobedient......and so unhappy.
Some people try to smooth it over and call it "age appropriate behavior." Some of it is. But, it shouldn't be tolerated. It should be trained away. And the rest is out and out sin. Her unhappiness reveals that, too. And her unhappiness and distance from God, even at just the age of two makes me cry out for her. And I am ashamed to know that much of it is my fault. Oh, I know, it's HARD with a new baby. And last year, hubby was away from home for much of the year due to his job moving him from town to town at the drop of a hat. But, that stuff can't be helped. I basically went into "survival mode" and gave up on her, just making sure she'd live through one more day. It was like giving a tomato plant just enough water to survive, but it never puts out good fruit, instead of cultivating it more fully to allow it to thrive and put forth fruit.
And the ultimate cultivation that I was ignoring during my survival mode days was praying for her. I didn't do a lot of praying. I was so exhausted that I'd fall asleep almost every time I'd start to pray.
So, I've been praying for her and asking God to show me how I can connect to her better, build that lost relationship and start training her up in the way that she should go.
At Christmas, a friend gave my daughter a devotional for little girls and God immediately led me to read it to her before her nap every day. Meant to bless her, I'm finding it is blessing me even more!
I'm doing other things besides reading to her, but our mother-daughter relationship is blossoming. I have my daughter back. She's still my wild mustang, but I feel the Lord is leading me in other directions for raising her up.
And I look forward to it! I love having a daughter.
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